Drifter...

Why is everything pointless,
Without any purpose...
Doing this thing or that,
Gives me nothing to move forward...
No reasoning, no objective,
A leaf floating on the water going wherever the damn thing flows...
Down a waterfall, r straight into the sewer,
No purpose to swim against nor with the flow...
When will i get a reason to do this thing or that,
To work towards something or away from it...
Till such a day comes, when i'm fooled by the principles,
And blinded by the supposed rationality, i'll be a drifter...
Liking nothing, disliking nothing, just drift along and nothing more...

HALF, HALF

I'm split into two. half sane and half mad...

I'm bifurcated, the halves standing next to one another,

Only the backs face each other, each pointing at the opposite horizons.

I'm sliced into two, the pieces are so near, they look as if they're one,

Yet they are so different - i'm not sure if i can ever be one....

Both have minds of their own, each wanting to go different ways....

Sometimes i'm sane, sometimes i'm not...

Sometimes i'm sober, sometimes i'm not...

I'm trying to figure out myself, i keep probing and unraveling deeper than before,

Every time i find something that brings the two halves together, make them one and keep them so,

I find myself cracked into two, the very next day or the day after that...

Each time i find myself a stronger adhesive, a stickier glue,

A sharper blade or a stronger wrench again splits me back into those two...

How will i move if i'm pulled in opposite directions,

Which path can i take, if i want to go in both...

When i'm awake i tire myself trying to find an answer, or atleast a reason that can explain the duality...

When i've exhausted myself to sleep, the same things run in my mind,

This is life on the edge, on the edge of sanity, on the edge of rationality...

On the outside, everything's calm and a perfect veil is spread over all the un-seeable and unseen,

A calm face, a smug smile, prompt questions and a witty answers,

All misleading and dangerously so, because the pitiful cry for help, the desperate search for answer

Is unknown to the outside, is not even suspected in the wildest of the moments...

Hidden, camouflaged, unseen and unsuspected, the process continues...

Sleepless nights and mindless days,

A zombie walks with a masked face, a happy face...

Pain and laughter...

To look into your eyes and understand you, i fail miserably, a first for me...
Seeing you from afar, watching you be, is the biggest punishment i've given myself...
I'm bound to you, yet you are not to me, my biggest weakness is you,
You stop me in my tracks, where ever i am, whatever i do...
Whatever i do, however deeply i'm involved in it,
There's always a moment i'm out of all that and thinking just about you...
Even in my deepest pain, loneliest moment, i see your face and remember your laughter,
And i cry not by the pain, but by your laughter...
When i'm dead tired, completely exhausted and bereft of all energy, i close my eyes and there you are,
I dunno from where you come, however deep i carve myself out, i still find you and can't remove you.
I'm torn into two, torn apart, i can't find myself, i'm lost and forgot...
I know i'm there, i know i can find, but the will to put myself at a task,
To work at it steadfast, is what i lack now, a restrain that pulls me back from doing what is necessary...
I'm not afraid, things cannot get anyworse, i'm ready to face the music and sing and dance with it,
Only i dunno exactly how to go about doing it...

Going on and on... 64.365

Not the right mindset to approach the task,
But can’t change it no matter how much I try.
Will have to adapt to things on the go,
And not complain things were so and so.
Still do not know where all this leads,
Yet going on with thoughts and hopes…

Locking horns... 63.365

Locking horns with the undefeatable(they say!),
Taken fate into my hands or the other way around?
I’ve brought upon me all this, and I alone stand responsible for this.
Even if I want to go back, I can’t.
I’ve burned down the bridge I came through
And stand here with no way to go but forward!
I’ve been losing my belief in things one by one, and now I’m striped down to being invisible!
Knowing little is very dangerous indeed…

Defective piece... 62.365

I’m a defective piece,
There’s something fundamentally wrong with me,
I want to have the best fit, not a squeeze,
I’m not in acceptable standards, I’m wrong, I’m me,
To lead such an unfulfilling life!
Won’t it be better to step down and take the highway!
Can’t decide, can’t even pretend to be calm,
Something is definitely not right.

chasing my fad... 61.365

Chasing my latest fad,
Dunno how I’ve had,
Will chase this down to the finish,
Hope the fruits are there for my relish